7 Types of patients you’ve probably met

runAwayWheelChairThere are funny nurses, and there are funny patients. It’s never boring when you’re working with people. There are patients who make you mad, patients who make you laugh, and patients who make you cry. Here are some types of patients I’ve seen on the job.

1.     The Family Reunion Patient Do you ever get those patients who land in the hospital, and suddenly their kids, parents, grandchildren, uncles, aunts, and cousins-twice removed all show up at once? With refreshments? That’s the family reunion patient. All that’s missing is a cornhole set.

2.     Food-Oriented Patient  Some patients just can’t get enough of the facility’s food. It’s kind of nice having trays brought to you, with the illusion that you don’t have to pay for it (I’m sure it’s included on their hospital bill, and overpriced to boot).

It’s like being on a cruise. Except, not really.

3.     The Attention-seeker Of course this one needs to be included on the list. Sometimes they just need someone to talk to.

Other times they’re relentlessly demanding. Those can make a shift really drag.

4.     Frequent Flyer You’ve seen them so often you know their family members by first name basis. You can guess what their complaints are before they open their mouth. You recognize the backs of their heads.

You come in and people say “Guess who’s back?” And you don’t have to guess.

5.     The Home Entertainment Patient These guys bring in their laptop, speakers, gaming console, enough DVDs to last a week, earbuds, and have a nursing diagnosis of Risk for Fall related to Wires Everywhere. Good luck getting all that untangled.

6.     The Ridiculously Photogenic Patient You get these once in a while. They just look too damned good to be here. They put on their make-up every morning, look fresh, clean, and healthy. A lot of them refuse to wear gowns. They’re dressed to impress. They post hospital pictures of themselves on Facebook. Good for them!

7.     The Nazi Family Patient It’s not so much the patient, but the patient’s family. They watch your every move. They continue to hover when you hint that it’s a good time for them to go. They make comments. They complain. They hit the patient’s call light for them. Watch out, it’s big brother. And he’s watching you.

I’m 100% sure there are more types of patients than these. Tell us about the types of patients you’ve seen!

Kevin is a psychiatric nurse, and the owner of Kevin’s Review.

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